Haven't Written a post in a long time.

Well,

Here we go again. I have not written in my blog in a long time. Since the last time a lot has happened. I wound up moving out of my crap ass 3 bedroom condo to a HUGE 4 bedroom house. It's costing me $1200 a month out of my pocket. But, it somehow feels nice to have space and a place for me.

Anyways, this is not the reason for this post. I have been suffering my "Panic attacks" every single day for the last year or so i guess. I went to the ER one night it was soo bad I thought i was going to die. They ran some tests and such. and said its anxiety. The next day I went to my local dr and got a full blood test and chest xray. Both came back 100% good. Even my liver is good ;) Go figure right? He prescribed me (XANOR) which is XANAX in the states. I've been taking this medicine 2x to 3x a day 1MG each time. It controls it to an extent. But, the attack is still there. If i miss my dose by minutes I get an attack and i cant deal with hit. So, now the only thing left on my mind is what do i do? Im contemplating seeing a shrink if you can believe it. I really dont see any other way. I've tried soo many things. I recently talked to my girlfriend about not causing fights with the staff which bothers me and I told her I dont want to hear the stories because it also bothers me. I was hoping this would solve it. But, its been 1-2 weeks and im still having the attacks on a daily basis. Lately they are worse but i think that's because of my bronchitis i got from someone.

Let me try here.........

My fears / Reasons for stress

1) Someone back home might die and I wont be able to be there. Or, worse I'll feal guilty that i was not there.

*********2) I didn;t go to my grandfathers funeral last year. because he had some clause in his will where soon as he dies they burn him with no service. And, now i found out my grandma has the same. So, i guess i wont see her godforid. This one item PLAQUES me. Because i cant understand why the man did this? And I take it personally. and, I believe its always on my mind. It's something i cant let go. This very thing could be the cause of my panic attacks. because when i think about like I am now. I feel as if i want to cry. Im not even crying for the loss but i am crying why he did this. I know that sounds selfish and it sounds evil. BUt, I have not cried for the loss yet.

3) This is a weird one. But, I feel as if i was never told that i did a good job. I know my dad wanted certain things from me. But, I took another course of action the easy way as usual. and, it seemed to work. But, I never once heard him tell me that hes proud of me and proud of all the things i do. He always looks for something to pick at and yell about. A) About me not being home. B) About a gun. C) About some cold. etc.................

I wish he would just say "JB, I am very proud of you. and of all the things you've done." And mean it. Because i know inside he is. But, he just has never said it without me forcing him.


4) I dont really feel the safest here. So, I have a few guns and i keep people around me. You may ask why? Well, the cops here can be paid off for very cheap. So, I rather protect myself then worry about them. Worse to worse. Someone tries to steal my wallet I give them it. soon as they turn i put two in their back and walk away. Simple as that here. The police to people ratio is 1:3000. Street justice? Maybe, but thats how it is. You need to learn to adapt or you die.

There is a saying from a movie. "Some people respect the badge EVERYONE respects the gun" and its very true. esp here.


5) I work alot. But, hey thats normal life isint it? :) My job is super stressful and always going nuts. So, I guess this adds to my issue. Then my panic attack stuff makes me irritable so i tend to yell at people. I really dont mean it. and I wind up saying sorry about it.


Other then the above. Life is great. I have a nice house and a beautiful girlfriend and a staff who cares about me. My driver is soso :) But, they all are. You just need to learn when to let go and when to bark. My girl on the other hand likes to bark at them ;) Well, thats just her. I like to keep things cool until something happends. Both ways are the same. but just handled diff heh. Funny eh? We both do the same thing just in a diff way. I rather tackle it when its bad. Because while its good i can contine with life rather then worry about stuff. Kinda hard to explain.


Conclusion:

I feel #2 is the main reason for my recent attacks. And, I need to find a way to let go of this pain. I really do. Perhaps I have to give my grandma and aunt a call tonight. I know it causes them pain. But, I cant live like this anymore. and its not fair to me. Lucky I have a nice job who handles me. and understands my hardships even though i never told them the full details. I also say #2 is the issue because its the only thing on the spot i will cry about. And, If i drink/drunk I will cry over it.